So... why do people have blogs? To inform? To entertain? To stay in touch? To mock? To inspire? All of the above? I am not sure. I pay $8.95 a month for a blog that I hardly ever write on anymore. I let life overwhelm me, I lost my sense of humor, and I quit sharing. So, no promises, but I will try to do better, and I will let AJ write when it is appropriate as well. He has a lot of stories and pictures to share from these last 3 years. Today I was in the shower and a set of circumstances caused me to think that you, my faithful two readers may get a kick out of it... if you even check in here anymore since it has been so long since I have written. But here it is, to mock, to inform, to entertain, to whatever... I give you the Spider-Shower Chronicles.
One of the random things that I missed while I was gone was my shower. There is nothing particularly glamorous about my shower, it isn't a glorious oasis with natural stone tiles or dual massaging shower heads, or a jetted jacuzzi tub, it's a normal, everyday shower in a small, cramped, everyday bathroom. BUT! It has awesome water pressure and the hot water lasts a LONG time... mostly due to the fact that when Eric went to Iraq in 2003 the FIRST thing that happened, I mean, like as in the day he left practically, the hot water heater ruptured and dumped its entire contents across my beautiful hardwood floors. So I got a large, quick recycling, heavy duty replacement and my showers are awesome. Usually. The only thing that dampens (ha ha) my enjoyment in the shower is the fact that my bathroom does not have a working vent fan and we have a ceiling mold problem. But, I know that there is intent to repair, and that doesn't dampen my enthusiasm. Usually.
Today, I stepped into my always hot, always high pressure, slightly moldy ceilinged (yes, that is a word) shower and commenced to shower. As I often do at this time, I looked toward the ceiling to see how the mold is doing. Has it spread, is it darker, is it lighter, what will I treat it with this time..... except on this particular day, in this particular shower, in the top right hand corner of the shower, is a spider. And she isn't dead.
Now those of you who know me well know that I HATE SPIDERS. We aren't talking slight dislike, would prefer not to see, gently brush them away, we are talking run screaming in the opposite directions, smash them with shoes, holler for help, spray them with agent orange, HATE spiders. So I am immediately concerned. The spider, let's pretend she is sweet and innocent and call her "Charlotte," is up in the upper left hand corner of my shower. Directly to the right of my shower head. Not cool. I am already totally immersed in my shower, and have put shampoo in my hair. Somehow I need to find a way for Charlotte and I to peacefully co-exist for the next 5 minutes while I rinse my hair, apply conditioner, rinse my hair and can escape. There will be no leisurely enjoyment of the water pressure, no shaving of the legs, no lingering in the steam, I must get out of the shower alive. So I cautiously turn my body so that my hair is in the spray, but my eyes are on Charlotte, and rinse. She sees me. She wants to be friends. She starts waving her little legs at me in what appears to be a friendly salute but in which I know is a desperate attempt to lure me into false security so that she can drop on me from above and bite my now clean flesh. I don't wave back. I stare at her and wish fervently for a removable shower head so that I can retreat to a safer portion of the shower. I continue to rinse. Good grief, how could I allow my hair to get so long as to need so much shampoo? Charlotte tires of waving to a non-responsive victim and begins to slowly inch toward me across the top of the shower. "No, no" I exclaim... "No, no, stay there, no, no!" She doesn't listen and continues to close in. ITT... intent to touch for those of you who have NOT seen Night of the Museum II - Battle of the Smithsonian.... I jump from the shower and stand dripping on the bathroom floor. Max comes into the hallway and looks at me, head cocked, ears up as only a chihuahua can do and you can almost hear him thinking... "What IS she doing, why is she doing it without her fur on and who IS she talking to?" I ignore Max and concentrate on Charlotte. She crawls all the way across the top of the shower to the right hand corner as I watch, dripping on the bathroom floor and praising the Lord that the kids left Sunday so as not to have to witness this insanity. She stops, and hovers as it slowly dawns on me that if I return to the shower, she is now ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE TUB! I can easily watch her, rinse my hair, do the conditioner and get out. Yep, I can do it!
I step back into the shower, re-close the curtain, edge along the curtain back to the spray, and resume my hair care. Charlotte watches me. I know she is watching me watch her, I can feel her eyes on my almost like 8 hairy, tickly, creepy legs. This in NOT an enjoyable shower. I reach behind me for the conditioner, dump some in my hand, apply to my hair, count rapidly to 100 and figure "good enough". I just start to tip my head back into the spray, still watching the corner when Charlotte decides she hasn't had enough fun with me, crawls about 6 inches back towards me and DROPS FROM THE CEILING. I scream and jump from the shower. Now ALL the dogs are in the hallway staring at me and barking as I stand dripping on the bathroom floor. I can hear Charlotte laughing as she raises herself back up to the ceiling. As it dawns on me that I have a dish sprayer in the kitchen sink, and that I haven't seen a spider out there yet I concede this round to Charlotte... but don't worry, next time I go to the shower, I will have a shoe. Or a removable shower head..... you know the song... "down came the rain and WASHED THE SPIDER OUT." Until next time friends.... may your burdens be light, and your showers be empty!
You are too funny
Posted by: gramma | August 13, 2009 at 04:42 PM
This is quite entertaining. I did not realize my wife can hear spiders talk. =)
Posted by: Eric | August 13, 2009 at 09:58 PM